Love, Attachment and the Self

This life is a sensory experience, we were given a physical body with which we can experience the outside world. We can touch, we can feel, we can hear, we can see. The human experience is the most precious gift that we will ever be given, and the human body in which we reside is the most complex system in the known universe.  All that surrounds us can excite the senses in some way. From a very young age these experiences have taught us that all and any stimulation or feeling comes to us from that which is external to us.  As a child, external stimuli excites us and makes us happy, we want a particular toy because we like the colour of it and we want to own it. We covet it. We become possessive of this particular thing because we view it as ours. We place value on it. We find that these external things provide us with happiness which says to us that happiness is to be found outside of us.

 

As we grow and get bigger these feelings of attachment towards external things grow within us and so do our wants and desires. As we get older and we grow, we become bolder in our discovery of the world and our explorations grow more diverse. Our wants become more complex. Our childish wants of toys and playthings are gone because we seek meaningful interaction with others. This is the natural evolution of this life and as we become more intelligent as a human being we seek relationships with those similar to us. Although, even though evolution has occurred on a particular level and there is innate intelligence involved, attachment toward the object of our desire can still remain.

People want to connect with others and feel connection…the spark that ignites between two people where there is mutual caring and understanding. Although there is a difference between attachment and connection, and we need to be aware of this. Human connection is a relationship where a person or a thing is linked or associated with something else. It is connection that people seek in a potential partner so they can share experiences with another who will listen to them and understand them. Attachment is borne of connection, although it can turn into something ugly when the connection turns into dependence.  In Buddhist philosophy, there are many writings on desire and attachment and the roles that they play in our lives. They say that attachment is a neediness, dependency and self-centredness, and that it weakens us as we give away our happiness to another. Whereas, Love strengthens us and we stay in charge of our own happiness. Attachment is all about me and what I can get from you, and Love is what I can give or do for you. Attachment is based in ego, and Connection based in Love. 

Ownership has been hard-wired in us since we were children when we wanted to own that toy because it looked good or was sparkly. We became attached to the toy and we wouldn’t let it go. This mode of thought has carried on through to adulthood where we still seek ownership of things. Many people enter relationships that begin with genuine connection, but eventually they can turn into a form of attachment. When this happens, one person (or both), become dependent on the other. The other person becomes a crutch or something to lean on, something which is relied upon on to get by. It is a good thing to be able to lean on a partner in times of hardship, and have somebody to help you when in need, although it is not healthy to rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. When your happiness is dependent on someone else and does not come from within yourself, it is a very dangerous place to be in, because you are relying on another to provide you with self-worth. True and lasting happiness needs to come from within us and we can’t rely on another to give it to us.

If we find love within ourselves we do not need to get it from another, a source of love will be found that never runs out. If we do not love ourselves it can lead to many issues such as a lack of self-confidence, insecurities, jealousy and unhappiness which leads to a negative life where happiness is hard to find. On the opposite side of the coin, if we love ourselves we’ll be more confident, positive and secure in the person that we are, and we don’t need justification of who we are from others. When we are the source of our own happiness and we do find that special connection with another, the journey with them will be a much more positive and smooth ride because of the sense of self-worth inherent within.

Be kind to yourself, and find your own inner source of Happiness.

Ben.

Sources:

https://kadampalife.org/2012/02/14/love-attachment-and-desire-according-to-buddhism/

https://zenhabits.net/falling-in-love/